We wait...


It is quiet.
It is still.
Not many cars on the road.
The sun is behind the clouds.


We wait.
In the quiet of Holy Saturday.
Jesus is in the tomb.

I don't know about you guys, but my Triduum has been a bit rough. The last couple of days were just... crappy, to say the least. Not the whole of each day. There was some good, too, of course.

But, I can't help but think that the devil loves these few days, ya know? He comes in FULL force to remind us of all the lies and sin that we have worked SO hard to change and improve and rid ourselves of in the 40 days of Lent.

Jesus has died because of our sins.

And all of those sins and His death are locked in the tomb.
It's the perfect time for the devil to get us all riled up about how we haven't actually changed at all. That all the work and time and prayers we put into becoming new, were for nothing.

See, He is still in the tomb. He is dead because of you. There is no point in changing.

Thankfully... we are living 2000 years later.
We know that Easter comes.
We know that Jesus defies death.
We know that he rises, walks the Earth again, and meets up with God in Heaven.

This is the Truth.
Thank God for that!

He rises despite the fact that we are yet to be perfect.
He rises despite the fact that we still need to work on some things.
He rises despite the fact that we still struggle.

He died on the cross out of love for us.
And rises to remind us of His love for us.
That there is Hope.
There is Light.
It will come.
Always.

I pray that as you wait on this Holy Saturday, knowing that Jesus has died because of your sins-- you still have so much to change and work on and make new... you will remember that Hope does come. The tomb will be empty.
Jesus will rise.
And you have another chance to make yourself new.

I needed this reminder today. Maybe one of you did, too.

Have a Blessed and Happy Easter!

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Lent + Self-Care

I went for a walk this morning.

And it was wonderful.

I told myself when I went to bed last night that I would get up and walk. It's supposed to get cloudy and rainy, then be back to normal February weather tomorrow. I had to enjoy this "Spring in February" while it was still here. Be outside. Get some precious vitamin D.

And now I am enjoying my balcony. Letting the sun hit my face, as I sit here squinting and writing; listening to some 90s jams.
62* and sunny... glorious!!


And it all feels so good.

I think there may be a misconception that single people are so good at taking care of themselves because they have so much extra time to do so. Or there is some sort of expectation to do so.

And, yet.  I really suck at it.

The reality is... I work full time. I sit in almost 2 hours of traffic on any given day. I get to work early to *try* to get out at a decent time, but, how do we think that works out? I am exhausted when I get home. And when I am inside my cozy, little place... it takes A LOT for me to leave again. My weekends are usually filled with trying to sleep in, run errands, do laundry, etc. So much of that is just spent sitting, vegging, catching up on a show.

So much of my time when I am not at work is spent thinking about work and what is going on. What I need to do. What did I forget. How can I be better. When I move on from work, it's what I need to do around my house, laundry, do I have something to eat, when will I visit my grandparents, how am I going to schedule doctor appointments even though I work, what family haven't I caught up with lately, which friend do I need to reach out to, etc.

These days, it's more of just getting by and surviving. Ya know? All of these things are important and needed and good for me. I mean, adulting, right?

But, then the weather perks up and I go for a walk and feel the sun, I am reminded that doing something for myself- for me, for my health, for my sanity- is so very lacking in my life.

Just as you busy moms learn to take advantage of your 30 minutes while the kids are resting, I need to do the same thing. I have to learn how to use the time that I have and make it work for me.

It's really just the same thing.

Maximizing our time and making ourselves a priority. Taking care of ourselves, a little bit each day, will allow us to be better in our jobs, for our kids, for our families.

So, Lent is coming. Have you heard?! ;)

I had some plans... but I think that Lord is nudging me to make this a priority. To do something each day that is for myself.

That doesn't include the computer.
My phone.
TV.

I still think I need to ponder what that will look like for me. It could be a daily walk, making my way back up to running? Time in adoration? Take a class? Going to bed on time?

I sometimes get caught up in how I need to do all of these BIG and AMAZING things to take care of myself. There doesn't need to be a "wow" factor.
This is for me.
The simple, the better.

If you were going to focus on self-care for Lent, what things would you choose? What would that look like for you??

I hope and pray that this Lent is beautiful and fruitful for you!
Blessings and prayers,

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I'm doing it. Again.


Ok. I signed up for CatholicMatch again.

*eyeroll emoji*

Oy.

They sucked me in with their good deal for a year subscription. A YEAR. So, I guess I am committing to that again.

I know it sounds like I am doing this begrudgingly. And that I am not very excited.

It's just that. CM and I? We have a love/hate relationship. Most of my experience with it hasn't been all that great. And I have loooooooooots of years of trying it out. Lots. Is there a point that it gets embarrassing to admit?

Anyway.

Recently, I experienced the joy and beauty of getting to know someone, having them get to know me, being attracted (I mean really attracted) to someone, laughing, letting my guard down, and truly desiring the best for this person... it lit something inside me that I hadn't really experienced for a very long time (if ever). I learned a lot from this little moment in time. And I think I will be forever grateful for it.

The desire to experience that and have it be part of my life was lit.

Then the holidays happened. And I had a bit of a rough patch. And... I'm trying to climb back up.

Enter CM.
Again.

As I hit the submit button to pay for my subscription, I prayed that it would be a good experience this time. I asked the Lord that it would be ENcouraging instead of DIScouraging. That I will be open to whatever can happen.

I pray for my husband every night. Perhaps I have scrolled through his profile already. Or maybe he will sign up soon? Or maybe I will just meet him the good ol' fashioned way- at church, at a Catholic event, or the infinite options for IRL meetings.

This is just another step to make it possible for me to date. To get to know someone. To meet my husband.

As an aside. Not everyone has to try online dating. It's one of my BIGGEST pet peeves when people suggest online dating (when you are still single after all these years) is THE thing that will help with your singleness. That's just crazy. I know many people who have met their beloveds online. But, I also know many people like me who have been in the online dating world for so much of their adult life annnnnnd still single.

God has a plan. So long as we single people are fully and completely open to that plan, things will unfold as they are meant to. Including when and how we meet our spouse. Keep praying. Keep hoping. And keep doing what you need to do to put yourself out there.

Pray for me, ok?
Pray that CM and I can have an ok relationship this time around.
And that the Lord's will be done.

For fun... here are my previous online dating posts and tips. Because- GET IT TOGETHER DUDES! Write back. Ask to meet in person. Let's get this going.

Online Dating Tips I
Online Dating Tips II
Other musings

What are your thoughts about online dating?! Tried it and loved it? Tried it and hated it? Want to try it?


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Enough


Here I am. Sitting in my beloved yellow chair.

Getting ready for a new week, when I feel like the last week just flew and I have nothing to account for it.

I spent the majority of this last week going from work to the hospital to home. My grandmother was getting checked out for a little passing out episode. She finally made it home and I spent the weekend at my grandparents' house.

It's never easy to have a family member in the hospital (no matter how serious the situation is), and then being the medical person in the family always adds another layer of being "on."

Amongst all of that... I find myself wondering if I have done enough for my grandparents. For my family. Yes, I was present... but was I really giving of myself? Should I have been more compassionate and joyful?

The last few of my therapy sessions have been about the truth of me being good enough.
Me.
Just as I am.

It's a constant struggle for me. It's one thing to know I am good enough. But, it's another to believe I am good enough. To allow that truth to penetrate my thoughts and actions and whole life.

I have mentioned this many times throughout this blog... I am living a life that I didn't exactly think I would be living. Yet, this is the life that the Lord is calling me to live right now. Isn't that good enough? Isn't this life good enough?

See what's happening here? After a nudge from a friend (and the Holy Spirit), I have decided that this 32nd year of my life, I will focus on the concept of "enough." In all aspects of my life. I have never been a word for person- ya know, those people that feel a pull towards a word and it becomes their theme for the year- but, there is no denying that I must work on this.

Believing that I am enough.
That I am doing enough (for me, for others, for work, etc).
That the Lord's will is enough for me.

I am hopeful that I am retrain my thoughts and feelings so that it's easy to see and believe this Truth.

Are you a word person?
How do you retrain your thoughts?


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Five Years

A lot can happen in 5 years.

I mean, a lot can happen in any about of time, but 5 years seems like a significant amount of time, ya know? Don't so many parents have those moments like, "How in the world do I have a FIVE year old?!"

Anywho... in my life the last 5 years have been full. Very, very full.

Five years ago yesterday, I left for Honduras.

I had just left my awesome job, ended a whirlwind couple of months of travel to visit all my family and friends that I wouldn't see for over a year, and then hopped on a plane to a place I had never been to follow the Lord's call to serve. Him. The children. The poor.

While there, I had some of the best experiences of my life, and some of the toughest. Being there was harder than I ever thought- emotionally, spiritually and mentally (maybe physically if you count all the times I was sick and such!). Not because of the service I was doing. Not because I had to deal with cold water and roaches. And not even because some of the things that I saw were just heartbreaking.

It was because I was broken, and I didn't realize how much. The wounds- they were deep.

I was stripped away from all that I knew... new place, new people, new job, new language, new everything. And this stripping of all that kept my world together (friends, family, familiarity, etc), forced my wounds to surface and come to the forefront of all that I was doing. At the time, I just thought I was overwhelmed with being in Honduras. That I couldn't handle being there. That I wasn't tough enough be there in this situation that I clearly felt the Lord calling me to do.

It was a lot.

And I made the excruciating decision to leave. In the middle of my year commitment. It was a very tough pill for me to swallow. And look at my fellow volunteers in the eyes. I was sad. I was upset to be abandoning them. And the children. But, I just knew that I had to get home. And work on myself. To figure out what was going on. To heal.

I've heard many people say that you shouldn't do mission or service work if you aren't mentally "okay" for many of the reasons that I have listed above. I get that. I get that on a practical level because you can't be your best for others if you are dealing with your own stuff. But, see, it's precisely because of Honduras and my mission work that I realized how broken I was. I didn't plan on it. I didn't do it maliciously. It can't be a blanket statement for all people... no one would take the leap to do the mission work that the Lord needs to be done. The way He works is mysterious and doesn't always make sense to us on the outside. And it's taken me a while to not be ashamed of the fact that I did have to leave. I did, and it's part of my story. And I still wish many times that I could have done it differently. But, that's not how my life unfolded.

That moment of getting on the plane to Honduras 5 years ago to serve, deciding to leave 9 months later, was just the beginning of the crazy awesome. I:

  • Became a Godmother
  • Moved to Southwest FL
  • Became a school nurse
  • Started a young adult group at my parish
  • Began therapy
  • Met some amazing people
  • Traveled to some beautiful places
  • Got my "dream" job at my old hospital
  • Moved back to DC
  • Lived with my grandparents
  • Bought my first home
  • Healed
  • And continue to heal
Therapy has been the biggest thread throughout the last few years. I talked about things that I never knew I could talk about. I learned things about myself that I didn't realize. My wounds were ripped open. I was forced to see myself as a beautiful daughter of the Lord and how much that can play into how I view life. I have healed in so many beautiful ways, yet still healing in others.

I hope to share some more specifics of my healing and the realizations that have come from it at some point. But for now... reflecting on the last 5 years of my life, and seeing the beauty within it (when I don't always remember feeling the beauty at the time) has been good. I am no longer ashamed of many aspects of my life.

That is a beautiful and refreshing thing.

Shame is a nasty chain that holds on for a veryveryvery long time. It sneaks up at moments that you don't expect. The devil likes it that way. Shame prevents you from being completely you, being open to others, allowing the love of the Lord to seep in and change you.

I pray that if you are holding on to shame from your past that you figure out how to let it go. Give it to the Lord. He wants to spare you from it. He wants to love you deeply. If it's really deep and you are really struggling, please consider talking to someone. Therapy has changed my life. And there is definitely no shame in that. :)

The life that I am living is nothing like I hoped. I would be married and have multiple kids by now, yet this is the life that I am living. Right here. Right now. I am doing my best to let that be enough. That the Lord's will for me right now, is this life. Today. And that is enough.

Please, Lord. Let this life be enough. I want this life, and you, to be enough.



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