FREAK OUT!

Today... I had a little freak out:

What am I doing? 
Should I really be taking all of this time to travel around?
Am I being selfish?
Are people going to be upset with me if I don't see them?
Should I be spending more time with others?
What about money?
What if something horrible happens, I run out of money, I'm stuck on the side of the road and I can't even fill my gas tank?  Then what?

If you know me... this is how I operate.  I over-think, analyze, worry and think of every little reason why I shouldn't do something until it drives me crazy and I have a freak out.  Usually this involves calling my mom, talking really fast and crying.  Always crying.

But, I have a wonderful mom who seems to always pull me back from the ledge (I have never gone over the ledge, so... there's that).  Calms me down, offers advice and reminds me, gently, that this is really not that big of a deal.  Today she said, "I say this in the most loving way: You are 27!  You are an adult!  You can do WHATEVER you want, and who can really stop you?  Have fun on this trip.  Enjoy your friends.  Enjoy figuring out who you are along the way.  It's ok."

The thing is... I do care what people think.  I always have, and I probably always will.  Take that for what you will, but it is true.  We all have our things.  This is one of mine.  I want people to like me, I want to feel the love of others, as much as I give it, and I don't want to disappoint anyone.

As I was pondering and packing throughout the rest of the day, thoughts of caring what God thinks popped into my head, and how THAT should be most important.  Excuse me here, but screw everyone else, right?!  I should truly desire caring what God thinks and not wanting to disappoint Him.  Hmph, easier said than done.

I mentioned a while ago that I was starting the devotional He Speaks to You by Sister Helena Burns, FSP, and I really like it.  I will be honest, I haven't been super, super strict with it, but now that it's October, I have started again.  (I also started with the month of April.  Each month focuses on a different topic of reflection, and April is "His Will"... appropriate given my life right now, yes?)  The first day of the month had me really reflecting on why I can't be one of those really awesome Catholic/Christian people who are so dedicated to prayer and reading the bible and doing good things all of time, or in this case turn to God, and care what HE thinks, and make sure my actions/behavior don't disappoint Him.

The answer:  I can be.

So, what's my problem?  Many things, I am sure... but this is what I wrote in my journal, 
"ME.  My pride.  Thinking I still know what's better for me.  And thinking I can control every aspect of it.  While it's true I control what choices I make or actions I take, these choices should be based off what is right for me and what Jesus wants in my life... just get over yourself, Jen!  You need to let go of that little but of control you are still holding onto so the Lord can enter into more full communion with your heart."

Again... easier said than done.  I wish I could just turn a switch, hear the Angels hum a soothing tune and just know that I am completely letting go, and (yes, here comes the clich√©) letting God.  

Oh... if it were that easy. :)  Until then, I am going continue to try, pray, and love others (along with, attend Mass, go to confession read about Saints, etc).  I hope as I continue on, things will become clearer and my heart does indeed become soft enough for Our Lord to enter in fully.

So, what is My will?  My will is that we be united forever in love.  Everything else falls into place around this fact.
Taken from He Speaks to You, pg 95

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