From the heart. Inside my head.

Ok, I know I just wrote about this a few posts ago about waiting for God's will to be revealed to me and what not.  But today, I am having one of those days where I just want to know.

I want to know what I am supposed to do that will make God proud and I will feel fulfilled.

I want to start planning.  I want to have a routine.  I want to feel needed and like my time is useful.  I don't want to keep stopping off at friends and family, feeling like I am mooching off of them.  I want to be a grown up again and live my life. 

Also, I want to just curl up and not do anything.

Clearly... both of these things can't happen.  Either one is a viable possibility.  And, obviously the first will be what does happen... eventually.

I have so enjoyed being here in Naples with Mart, and seeing her beautiful daughter, but I am feeling  like it's just all up in my face being like "bahahaha... you don't have a plan!  You have no life!  You can touch this life, but you can't have it!"

I know... I sound like a crazy person, right?  I don't really know where it's coming from.  I am really tired.  I haven't really prayed in the last 2 weeks (all that traveling).  And... you know what?  I think that I am afraid that God will tell me that getting married and becoming a mom isn't in the cards for me, even if I think I have it figured out already.  But then what?  I don't want to go down the marriage path and find that it's miserable for me and my future husband resulting divorce... or stay single and realize wayyyy too late that I am indeed supposed to be married, but then never be able to have kids.

Oh my gosh... figuring out God's will is hard.  I know, I am speaking the obvious truth here.  But, I seriously just want to know, so I don't have to worry.  Maybe I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing here.  With my friend.  And her family.  Can I offer the necessary support she needs?  Will I really be helpful?  Was it the right thing for me to come?

Um, this was some serious logorrhea (ya know, when you basically have word vomit).  I think I am done for now.  Try and nap, pray a little and then feel better.  That's what I hope for!

1 comment :

  1. I believe that you will get all the answers you are looking for, but I hope you find a way to relax and enjoy your journey, so you won't miss the answers in front of you! And you can come and curl up with me on my couch anytime! Love you lots!

    ReplyDelete

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