Why would she say that?

So, I have a ton of thoughts going on in my head.  Here we go.

I had another interview today at this amazing pro-life community pregnancy clinic.  I have had on my heart recently to do pro-life work, so when I met the board of directors [of the clinic] at Faith and Wine the other night, I knew I wanted to be involved with them.  One of the ladies just happened to be the nurse manager and informed me they were looking for a nurse!  Imagine that!  How awesome would it be to do pro-life work AND have it be my job at the same time?!

I don't know if the job part will work out, but I really hope to volunteer with them if it doesn't.

Even though the interview went really well, this is what I remember most: when one of the ladies that works in the front says, "ohhh, you're moving down here from DC?  Gooood luck with that.  There isn't much down here like there is up there."  She was referring to money and making a decent living.

Really?  Why would she say that?  To a person looking for a job down here?  Ugh.

As I was talking to my mom this evening, I started to ramble on and on -as I usually do- about things that I hadn't thought about until that moment.  I guess I am going to have to work in the hospital, so that I can make money.  I am just so worried that I am going to hate it.  I need to make money soon, it will run out, right?  Wouldn't it make more sense for me to just go back to DC to a hospital that I know I can get a job and make good money?  Maybe I shouldn't move down here.  Maybe I am making the wrong decision.  Have I heard God's will wrong again?

Guh.  I am worried.  I am worried that I am really not hearing God's will properly.  I am worried that I hear things one way and act on them when they are actually not really what He wants me to do.  Was leaving DC to go to Honduras in the first place the right thing?  And then leaving Honduras with no plan a good thing, too?

I really have no room to complain.  I knew that I would be leaving behind great people in Honduras.  I am so blessed to have been able to travel and see my wonderful family.  To have family and friends who pay for meals and other things so that I can save a bit more.  To have this much time off.  To witness the miracle of babies, first hand, through my goddaughter.  To stay (maybe too long?) with my best friend and her husband.  But, I wouldn't change a thing.  I am so grateful.

But, now.  At this point in January, as my Italy trip gets close, I thought I would be making more concrete plans to make my big move down here.  It seems incredibly presumptuous to be flying into DC, after Italy, to pack up all of my crap to move it down here.  When, I still have no plan.  I just don't know if I should even bring all of it down this soon anyway.  Would it be cheaper to just stay with Mart and Tom?  Rent a place that is furnished?  Not come at all?

Yes, I know.  I am sounding ridiculous.  The devil is using my doubts to weasel his way in and make the situation seem worse than it is.  My head knows this, my heart has a hard time catching up.

I left Honduras truly believing it was the right thing to do.  Sometimes I am not too sure.

I trust God with my whole heart.  It's me that I have a harder time trusting.

1 comment :

  1. "Guh. I am worried. I am worried that I am really not hearing God's will properly. I am worried that I hear things one way and act on them when they are actually not really what He wants me to do."

    This paragraph stuck out the most to me, Jen. I've heard this before (and felt it sometimes myself!) But you know what? I don't think God wants us to worry and stress out about His will. I think He just wants us to take one step at a time by faith and trust that He'll take care of the bigger picture. There's this beautiful blend of our choices and His will and He always seems to make it turn out. This is your story and He's with you every step. Don't doubt yourself, just trust Him, that He's using every moment of your life, every choice, every season, to mold you more into His image. NOTHING is ever wasted. I'm convinced of that. (And trust me, I would know! I've got all sorts of "messes that have become my message.")
    Be at peace. He loves you, and He directs you, as long as you're sincerely seeking Him in prayer. My best advice would be to draw closer to Him in prayer rather than looking for answers. If you're walking with Him, all will be well. Be at peace, sister! :)


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