Despididas and feeling guilty...

... still.

Wow, I am on a roll here these day.  A post everyday.  I am sure this will not continue once, ya know, I am forced back into real life come March 4.  But, let's enjoy this now, shall we?!

ANYway... for those of you who have been following me for a while, may have heard me talk about serving in Honduras (or you are my family and friends and already know this; or looked at the tab above) last year with Nuestros Pequeños Hermanos.

What you may not realize is that I left early, and did not complete the 13 months that I had planned/committed to.

I still feel guilty about it.

Today is my despidida (goodbye party) with all of the volunteers, new and old.

Rather, would have been.

My time on the Ranch was... interesting.  Hard.  Frustrating.  But, now that I've been gone for months, I can look back and see the good much easier.  The adorable kids.  The love.  The family.  The volunteers (whom I miss so much sometimes, it hurts).  This is not to say that I didn't see these things while I was there, or have some of the most amazing times of my life; but the other stuff clouded my vision.

My guilt has changed a bit since I left: guilty for leaving, in general, to guilty for going and then leaving b/c I might have heard God's call completely wrong.  And now... now I feel guilty for how I left.

The first two I have accepted.  And I realize that the decisions I have made, and will make, affect people no matter what.  They affect me.  Those that I serve.  My family, etc.  God will use those choices to shape my future.  I trust that.  I also realize that I had to make decisions for me.  For my overall well-being.  And that is not, in fact, being selfish.  Although, I still have to remind myself of this.  Often.

But... feeling guilty for how I left.  This might take a little time.  I was just so ready to be gone that when I finally did leave, my actual good-byes with people were horrible.  Practically non-existent.

The little boys that I worked with, played with, laughed with and kissed and cuddled with every night.  I wish I could have a do-over.  I want to hug and kiss and cuddle one last time.  To tell them that I do love them.  That they are special.  To explain myself a little better and that they won't actually see me for a very long time, possibly ever.

But, I can't.  And it really, really sucks.

They are so young.  And probably didn't really remember me after a few days.  But, it doesn't change the fact that they deserved better.  They were worth it.  I should have sucked it up and said good-bye properly.

So, today... that's why I feel guilty.  I hope and pray that I will get over it.  Maybe I will make it back to the Ranch one day and make up for it somehow.  Until then... I can only hope that the 8 months that I with them were meaningful in some way, shape or form.  And they felt God's love through me.

This was the despidida for some of "old" volunteers...
and all the newbies. Wonderful and amazing people.

Moises and Yafet
Always getting into trouble.
Guh, this kid. So cute.
He was in the clinic at this time b/c of Chicken Pox.
Me and Yohan
Me, Kevin and Angel
We don't have faves... but if we did... he would be it.

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