I don't want to go to work.
I mean... here's the thing. I am not feeling it.
I know. I knowwwwwww. You are thinking, "Jen. You JUST started! You haven't been there long enough have that gross of an opinion. Come on! It will be fine!"
And, all you lovely readers (aka my mom, Aunt and grandmother) may very well be correct.
But, those vibes that I had during my interview - I think I mentioned them- anyway, I haven't felt them since I have started. I didn't feel them in orientation. I didn't feel them my first week. Um, so... where'd they go?
I have no idea. But, things are very different on the floor. Yes, it's a different hospital. Different people. I'm new, coming in with an 'idealistic' view of how things should go. People talk (which I try REALLY hard to ignore) about all the negative. Yup... it's a transition. I get it. But, their standards of care.... are well... soooo different than the hospital I used to work at. It's like the poor kids (and staff! Remember I'm on a peds unit) get the short end of the stick or something. I don't know. These are my first impressions... maybe it will be different after a while.
PLUS... night shift is hard. I know that there are people that just love it. I give them SO much credit. I am not one of them. I am dealing with it, obviously... as I have no choice right now. But, it's daunting to know I have to do this indefinitely. Oy vey.
So... no vibes + nights = exacerbated feelings of being restless and unsettled.
I have been in a state of transition for well over a year and a half. Leaving my old job, going to HN, starting at NPH, leaving NPH and reentering the US, traveling, now moving to FL and starting a new job. Holy moly. That's a lot.
All I want is to be settled. I am SO happy to have a new home. And a job (albeit, just a job). Setting some roots (who knows how long they will actually last?!). No need to go anywhere, if I really don't want to.
But, what I've realized in the last few days: ultimately I want to be really settled. As in, married... with some babes. Taking care of a husband and some kids and a house.
And, clearrrrrly, that hasn't happened yet.
So, my heart is a little restless.
As I was reminded in confession this morning, we need to strive to serve the Lord in all we do. The big and the mundane. With friends and with strangers. At work and at home.
This is so true. I know that when I reach out to Him through prayer, Mass and confession, I will feel better. His grace is an amazing thing. I am trying to do more of that. So I, then, can have the grace to serve Him better. And even that restlessness can be put at ease a bit.
The thing is... I can't shake the feeling of not being able to serve Him fully until I am living my vocation completely. Right... I mean... isn't that what a vocation is all about?
I can't wait for my future! I can't wait until God throws the man He has created for me into my life! I can't wait to live this life that I desire and long for and feel the Lord calling me to. I trust Him. I really do.
I kindaaaaa just want to get there already!
If you wouldn't mind saying a few prayers for this new transition, that I serve the Lord in everything and my heart is calmer and rests in Him... that would be fab.
Oh, and all those who are struggling with restlessness and are ready to start their vocations, too! :)
Annnnnnd because whenever I say the word "restless" I will always think of Restless by Audrey Assad, here is the song (and a great reflection and history behind it!):
"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you."
~ St. Augustine