Mart: What did you think of Randy*? <eyebrow raises>
Me: I mean, he is really nice! But, isn't he a teacher or something? Like, he has his PhD? He's too smart for me. We would have NOTHING in common!
Mart: What? Jen!
Me (sighs): I knowww...
Mart: Don't you wanna get married?? I am TRYING to help you out here. Eric was too good looking! So and so was too loud and too intense. That other guy was too something else... You haven't even gone on a DATE with ANY of these guys. How do you know?!
Me: ... smiles awkwardly
Mart: Come on, Jen! Have some confidence!
Ah, yes. Confidence.
From Dictionary.com, confidence is described as:
belief in oneself and one's powers and abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance.
I mean... I would describe myself as a pretty confident person, expect when it has anything to do with guys. Ugh. What is UP with that? I have recognized that I do this thing with ANY guy that I could possibly have any interest in... or that could be interested in me... where I find something wrong with the guy. "Wrong" is relative, I suppose. Really, I just pick and choose things that make the guy not right for me. Sometimes, I'll be honest, it's pretty superficial things, other times it's legit things that we don't have in common/agree with.
I do this as a defense mechanism. I find something that gives me a reason not to like/get to know/date someone so then I don't have a chance... of getting hurt.
Ugh. It's frustrating. I frustrate myself all.of.the.time. with this part of my personality.
I wish I didn't worry about it! I wish I could just meet
But, how does that actually equate into feeling confident? Where does the confidence actually come from? It's all well and good to have friends and family say that you are awesome! and any guy would be so lucky to have you! and all that jazz. It's sweet and nice and encouraging. But, really it just makes me question. Where, then, are all those guys? Why doesn't anyone ask me out? Or respond to all those messages on CatholicMatch?
Guh. I don't know. I guess I just have to 'put myself out there' as they say. That's hard when the majority of your time is spent in the hospital, sleeping, or with your BFFs fam (not that I am complaining!!).
I didn't really mean for this to be soooo Debbie Downer. Please don't let this fool you into thinking that I am super sad about my life or something. Because I am NOT! I have a wonderful and amazing life. These words were just on my heart to share. So, I did. Obvs. ;)
Suggestions? Comments?? A really great guy you think I should meet?! GET AT ME!!!
Paz y Amor.
*Guys names were changed for obvious reasons. Ya know, if they found this here blog, and saw that I was talking about them, having NO idea who I even am. Um, embarrassing much?! Yes.