Confidence

I was having a conversation with Mart the other day, that went a little something like this:

Mart: What did you think of Randy*? <eyebrow raises>
Me: I mean, he is really nice! But, isn't he a teacher or something? Like, he has his PhD? He's too smart for me. We would have NOTHING in common!
Mart: What? Jen!
Me (sighs): I knowww...
Mart: Don't you wanna get married??  I am TRYING to help you out here. Eric was too good looking! So and so was too loud and too intense.  That other guy was too something else...  You haven't even gone on a DATE with ANY of these guys.  How do you know?!
Me: ... smiles awkwardly
Mart: Come on, Jen! Have some confidence!

Ah, yes.  Confidence.

From Dictionary.com, confidence is described as:
belief in oneself and one's powers and abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance.

I mean... I would describe myself as a pretty confident person, expect when it has anything to do with guys.  Ugh.  What is UP with that?  I have recognized that I do this thing with ANY guy that I could possibly have any interest in... or that could be interested in me... where I find something wrong with the guy.  "Wrong" is relative, I suppose.  Really, I just pick and choose things that make the guy not right for me.  Sometimes, I'll be honest, it's pretty superficial things, other times it's legit things that we don't have in common/agree with.

I do this as a defense mechanism.  I find something that gives me a reason not to like/get to know/date someone so then I don't have a chance... of getting hurt.

Ugh.  It's frustrating.  I frustrate myself all.of.the.time. with this part of my personality.

I wish I didn't worry about it!  I wish I could just meet people guys and not think twice!  But, I do.  I do lack the confidence in myself... truly believing that I am a catch!  I know it sounds crazy.  I know the devil is weaseling his way up in my head.  I know that God loves me and I am His beloved.  Because of that I know I am worthy.

But, how does that actually equate into feeling confident?  Where does the confidence actually come from?  It's all well and good to have friends and family say that you are awesome! and any guy would be so lucky to have you! and all that jazz.  It's sweet and nice and encouraging.  But, really it just makes me question.  Where, then, are all those guys?  Why doesn't anyone ask me out?  Or respond to all those messages on CatholicMatch?

Guh.  I don't know.  I guess I just have to 'put myself out there' as they say.  That's hard when the majority of your time is spent in the hospital, sleeping, or with your BFFs fam (not that I am complaining!!).

I didn't really mean for this to be soooo Debbie Downer.  Please don't let this fool you into thinking that I am super sad about my life or something.  Because I am NOT!  I have a wonderful and amazing life.  These words were just on my heart to share.  So, I did.  Obvs.  ;)

Suggestions?  Comments??  A really great guy you think I should meet?!  GET AT ME!!!

Paz y Amor.

*Guys names were changed for obvious reasons.  Ya know, if they found this here blog, and saw that I was talking about them, having NO idea who I even am.  Um, embarrassing much?!  Yes.

3 comments :

  1. I SO KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM GIRLFREN.
    fo realz.

    "I just don't know why some guy hasn't snagged you up yet!" - that's my fav family line...and like you said, they mean well, but it makes me scream inside "I KNOW! I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT'S WRONG EITHER!"

    But I digress...I think it comes down to God's timing vs our own. And that's super annoying even though it's what's best for us. :)

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  2. If I can chime in... :)

    There is a certain confidence that comes from knowing God is your Father and you are his Daughter; that marriage is your calling and you are worthy because He has made you so. It's not like, "I'm a catch!", it's more like "I am doing what God is asking me to do; I am living the best life I can." THAT is attractive to men - that is confidence. It frees you from fear - the fear of being hurt, the fear of the unknown. This comes from building a stronger prayer and Sacramental life - at least, it did for me.

    I think when you find your stride as a single person, you hit it and you're enjoying life...and you have confidence to embrace whatever God brings you in his timing. Also, the confidence to tell your bff to get a life, that guy is not the guy for you...if that is the case :)

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  3. Thank God for BFF's! Knowing they have your best interests in mind allows you to safely explore yourself, and take risks. You're blessed to have great BFF's!
    Being happy and content with your life as it is TODAY, will prepare you for your future happy life with your husband. I love you and keep exploring!

    ReplyDelete

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