*Deep Breath*

I am about to be realer than real with you all.

I am feeling a bit vulnerable and embarrassed... so bear with me.  Please.  And, say some prayers.  That would be great.  Martha encouraged me to blog about this.  She thinks I will feel better.  Let's see if she is right.

I just read this post and in it the author states that you can't have a relationship without vulnerability.  She was talking about romantic relationships, but I feel this is true with any relationship that is really important in your life.  Therefore... friendships.  And you, lovely blog readers.  Because, let's be honest, you are all super important to me, too.
Then I thought of something: God is the ultimate example of vulnerability. He came not just to give a piece of His heart to us, but all of it. He allowed the Romans to arrest Him, spit, slap and beat Him. He opened Himself up to be scourged out of love for us, as His flesh was torn from His body and blood spilled out. They roughly submerged a crown of thorns on His head, which penetrated into His skull. Then he lovingly picked up His cross and carried it to Calvary. Along the way He thought of you and I, because we were why He chose to suffer. But He never regretted a moment of His bitter and sacred passion, He only kept loving us. When He arrived at Calvary, the soldiers violently stripped Him of His garments to the point of tearing His flesh. As they pounded nails into His scared Hands and Feet, He thought of you and I, and He kept giving until He expired His last.
I feel embarrassed about what I'm about to reveal, because, well... the Not Alone Series.  I feel, because I am the one that is co-hosting... I should have all of my crap together.  But I don't.  And, I want to be honest with you all.  And to remind those who are feeling alone.. that you are most definitely not.

Deep breath.

Ahem... well, I am overwhelmed with feeling very very unloveable and unworthy and not confident.

And... it's horrible.  It's a horrible way to feel.

I am 28!  I have a great job!  I am working day shift!  I live in FLORIDA!  I am part of an awesome parish!  I have food, a house and the latest gadgets.

Yet... here are the things that I am struggling with.

I know I just started my job... but I am not feeling very confident.  I can't really tell if it's just "new job anxiety" or something more.  I feel like all the things that I once knew... have nothing to do with my new role.  The people I work with are very cliquy and I am not part of the "cool" crowd yet.  I feel like I am always "on" trying to make the right decisions, say the right things and talk to the right people to prove that I am doing a good job.  Boy, it's draining.

I am scared to death that I am going to be alone... forever.  This is a biggy.  I know I am supposed be all trustin' the Lord and His plan and all that good Catholic/Christian stuff.  Well, right now.  I don't.  It really terrifies me, sometimes, that I won't ever get to experience the joy of being a mom... and being able to give my mom some grandbabies.  I know, in my head, that whatever vocation God eventually reveals to me, will be what makes me happy and brings me peace.  But, at this point, my longing for marriage/motherhood is so deep, that it hurts and scares the sh** of me thinking about it NOT happening.

On top of all of that... I am feeling so flipping ugly.  My acne is out of control.  I realize this is a small thing, but it affects my self image.  We all have something like that, I am sure.  I am still running, but barely.  I have hardly been keeping up with Weight Watchers.

Ahhhh!  I don't want to be talking about this!  I don't want to feel this way!  I HATE IT!

But I have to.  I have to get it out.  I can't let Satan in anymore.  The more I let the darkness out... Light will begin to flood in.  And, boy do I need some Light.

Listen, I know in my head that God loves me and cares for me and has a plan for me.  I know.  I really do get it.  But, sometimes... that isn't enough.  It doesn't always get me through the moments I decide to binge on some ice cream.  Or not leave my house.  Or just stare at the television.

Sometimes my mind and heart need ample time to catch up.  They need some healing.  They need some extra love.  And, I think that is where I am at right now.  As Martha pointed out, of course, "so much of this journey and search is about God asking you to be happy with just Him, to depend on Him, to be satisfied with Him."  I guess I am searching for that happiness.  Something I thought I knew, but I may have just been lying to myself.

Where do I go from here?  No idea.  Do I have next steps?  Nope, I got nothing.  Am I praying?  Well, I am trying.

Please pray for me.  That's all I can ask at this point.

Do I feel better?  Actually.. I do.  I feel like a little weight has been lifted.  I am not hiding anymore.  Good job, Mart.  It's like you know me or something. ;)

And for the record... not every day is bad.  I am not holed up in my house, never leaving.  Please don't worry, Mom! :)

10 comments :

  1. Oh man I wish I could hug you right now! *virtual hug* I have felt ALL these things lately and I HATE IT!!

    Totally feel you on starting a new job and the cliquey stuff. I've had my current job since March but I STILL feel way out of place. The dept. I work in is SUPER close knit and have all worked together for over 3 years. Plus I am only there twice a week so it's hard to keep up with their lives.

    Totally feel you on the acne. I think I have tried about 100000 different things and nothing really works.

    I totally fear being alone heck at times I can't even find girlfriends to hang out with let alone a guy to marry me! I think somedays my sisters engagement and impending wedding only magnifies things :( praying for you...because I don't really have any advice because I'm not good at this being alone and single thing either :(

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  2. We all have days (or weeks or even months) like that ... It's so hard to admit it, even to ourselves.
    I know numbers are just numbers, but 28 is actually the typical age a woman has when she first marries (meaning lots of women are older too!). And though 60 % isn't married by age 30, 91 % is married by age 59. Taking into account the people who prefer single life or cohabitation, it's safe to say almost everyone gets married eventually.
    The kid thing is hard though. It's something I've been worrying about too. I try to spend time with my brother, my godchildren, the children I babysit ... as often as I can, but it's absolutely not the same as being a mother. I've toyed with the idea of being a single (adoptive) mother off and on, but I don't think it would be wise. Yes, it's hard and trusting God or leaving it in His hands is incredibly hard and something I fail at almost daily. *Big hug to you.*

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  3. I'm with Beth Anne--I wish I could hug you right now! Know that we all will be praying for you. I've struggled with similar issues of feeling small and awful and unloveable, though not in quite the same way. What's been helping me recently when I get in a cycle of self-loathing is to stop and say to myself, "He loves me. The One who matters most in the world loves me more than I can possibly imagine, more than any boy possibly could. He thinks I am beautiful, inside and out, the way I am, and He loves me, with all of who I am, warts and all." Sometimes it takes a good ten minutes of shoving my personal thoughts aside for me to stop feeling horrible, but it helps in the end. I don't know if anything we say will help you now, but I really hope you find peace in the end. You, with what you would call your shortcomings, are still very much an inspiration to me! God bless. :)

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  4. Oh my goodness Jen I wish I could wrap up in a blanket (I realize it is chilly hear but may not be in FL so in OH we wrap in a blanket in FL we sit on the beach) and drink a cup of wine and just talk. Get angry, dream, complain, rejoice and everything in between. I am pretty darn sure your feelings are common to a majority of women but that doesn't make them any easier to feel. It is hard wanting the Lord's will so bad but at the same time not being patient enough for what He wants. Sometimes, no matter how much you don't want to and no matter how confident you typically are, you have to complain, get angry, wallow, you just get to that point. I get it, I have been there.

    Acne, yeah that is rough. Something that you had expected to leave behind in your teens and not something you want to still be dealing with as you approach your 30s.

    Its hard but I see that you are going to just keep clinging to His love. And although this offers no consolation I am pretty darn confident that when you get to the gates of heaven you will look back on your life praising God for the adventure He took you on.

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  5. HUGS. I so feel you, sometimes I think where my mother or grandmother even my great grandmother was at my age, when I go there it is not pretty since my grandmother had her 1st at 21 and had 3 by 23.
    The verse I am currently holding on to is "Be still and know that I am God" Ps 46:10. It is hard sometimes, the longing feels so strong that it can feel overwhelming, and totally unattainable but I am learning to breathe deeply and to find something to be thankful for even if it's just that I have cheese and can make a grilled cheese.

    I'm praying for you.

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  6. Thank all of you for supporting my kid; so hold on Jen, mom's coming and I'm gonna keep hugging you to remind you how how flipping, as you would say, lovable and huggable you are! I can't wait! XOX

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  7. I don't have anything profound to say because everything has already been said....but I'm praying for you and totally know where you're coming from.

    I wish we all lived closer so we could better help one another out of these slumps, but if I were with you, I'd give you a big hug and not let go until it was awkward. Just because that's how I roll.

    Can we be accountability partners or something for exercise/healthy eating? I'm seriously the worst and have NO motivation to change anything.

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  8. Pulling at my heart strings! Miss you, and well, I think you are an amazing person!

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  9. Well in my fog, I totally missed this. Will email you at a more decent hour. Am praying for you - this too shall pass! And yeah, it sucks.

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  10. Oh Jen! I totally get where you are coming from and I'm sorry I'm only getting a chance to comment now.

    I totally get where you are coming from! I feel like I should have it much more together than I do - with friends getting married, having babies, exploring the world, and here is little old me having to move back in with my parents to try and save some money.

    It can all get so overwhelming, and I, too, find it very hard to trust the direction God is taking me, because I cannot see the end goal or the time scale - I'm just so flipping impatient!

    And don't get me started on the whole self-image thing, it's a big part of why I don't have any photographs of me anywhere on my blog!

    I am always here when you need to talk, Jen! I can be your Irish friend, always here to lend an email/twitter/blog ear! :) I will keep you in my prayers!

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