I am feeling a bit vulnerable and embarrassed... so bear with me. Please. And, say some prayers. That would be great. Martha encouraged me to blog about this. She thinks I will feel better. Let's see if she is right.
I just read this post and in it the author states that you can't have a relationship without vulnerability. She was talking about romantic relationships, but I feel this is true with any relationship that is really important in your life. Therefore... friendships. And you, lovely blog readers. Because, let's be honest, you are all super important to me, too.
I feel embarrassed about what I'm about to reveal, because, well... the Not Alone Series. I feel, because I am the one that is co-hosting... I should have all of my crap together. But I don't. And, I want to be honest with you all. And to remind those who are feeling alone.. that you are most definitely not.
Ahem... well, I am overwhelmed with feeling very very unloveable and unworthy and not confident.
And... it's horrible. It's a horrible way to feel.
I am 28! I have a great job! I am working day shift! I live in FLORIDA! I am part of an awesome parish! I have food, a house and the latest gadgets.
Yet... here are the things that I am struggling with.
I know I just started my job... but I am not feeling very confident. I can't really tell if it's just "new job anxiety" or something more. I feel like all the things that I once knew... have nothing to do with my new role. The people I work with are very cliquy and I am not part of the "cool" crowd yet. I feel like I am always "on" trying to make the right decisions, say the right things and talk to the right people to prove that I am doing a good job. Boy, it's draining.
I am scared to death that I am going to be alone... forever. This is a biggy. I know I am supposed be all trustin' the Lord and His plan and all that good Catholic/Christian stuff. Well, right now. I don't. It really terrifies me, sometimes, that I won't ever get to experience the joy of being a mom... and being able to give my mom some grandbabies. I know, in my head, that whatever vocation God eventually reveals to me, will be what makes me happy and brings me peace. But, at this point, my longing for marriage/motherhood is so deep, that it hurts and scares the sh** of me thinking about it NOT happening.
On top of all of that... I am feeling so flipping ugly. My acne is out of control. I realize this is a small thing, but it affects my self image. We all have something like that, I am sure. I am still running, but barely. I have hardly been keeping up with Weight Watchers.
Ahhhh! I don't want to be talking about this! I don't want to feel this way! I HATE IT!
But I have to. I have to get it out. I can't let Satan in anymore. The more I let the darkness out... Light will begin to flood in. And, boy do I need some Light.
Listen, I know in my head that God loves me and cares for me and has a plan for me. I know. I really do get it. But, sometimes... that isn't enough. It doesn't always get me through the moments I decide to binge on some ice cream. Or not leave my house. Or just stare at the television.
Sometimes my mind and heart need ample time to catch up. They need some healing. They need some extra love. And, I think that is where I am at right now. As Martha pointed out, of course, "so much of this journey and search is about God asking you to be happy with just Him, to depend on Him, to be satisfied with Him." I guess I am searching for that happiness. Something I thought I knew, but I may have just been lying to myself.
Where do I go from here? No idea. Do I have next steps? Nope, I got nothing. Am I praying? Well, I am trying.
Please pray for me. That's all I can ask at this point.
Do I feel better? Actually.. I do. I feel like a little weight has been lifted. I am not hiding anymore. Good job, Mart. It's like you know me or something. ;)
And for the record... not every day is bad. I am not holed up in my house, never leaving. Please don't worry, Mom! :)