What taking off my bracelet means to me


I mean... it's just a bracelet, right? A pretty cheap one at that.

I mean after 2.5 years, it broke. Cheap, I tell you. ;)
The thing is. I have been wearing this bracelet every day since December 2011. That's a long time! I bought it as a gift for myself when I got to Copan Ruinas, Honduras. I got it as a reminder of this journey that I was starting. The adventures that lie ahead. Oh, and it totally has. I would often look down and be reminded of some good food, the silly conversations I had when learning Spanish, friends I made, the cute kids I worked with. Some amazing things, really.

But, at the same time. It was a constant reminder of something more: lost expectations and failing. Failing on my commitment to stay. It's something that I have been wrestling with for a long time. Something that I didn't think I could let go of.

Now. Now is the time to let go. With some outside help (ie my therapist. *gasp* I know! Surprise! Or maybe not) and lots of prayer, now is the time to let.it.go. (let it gooooooo, let it goooo!).

I was stuck, well, I'm becoming more unstuck, in this place of guilt and letting people down. Letting myself down. Why? Because I have been so wrapped up with doing the wrong thing. It's a moot point now, whether leaving Honduras early was the actual right thing for me to do or not, but I have realized (with help) that it's a very tangible example for an overall theme in my life.

The fear of failure holds me back (or prevents me from trying!).

The fear of letting people (me) down. The fear of doing something wrong. The fear of not living up to expectations. The worry that I have already done something wrong.

I know. Some of you are probably shaking your head and being like, really? Hello? Isn't that so obvious. This is not a healthy way to live life.  Of course, I know.  But, see... when you have lived your whole life this way, you don't realize that it's not normal, ya know? That is, until you talk to someone objectively and then take a step back and you're like... well, crap. I need to work on a few things, or a billion.

And that's what I am doing. It's hard. Frustrating. Messy. Makes me cry. But, it gives me hope! I have been learning so much about myself. About who I am, and who I am supposed to be. Not about what I think others think I should be.

So. Now is the time take my bracelet off and let go of the fear. Of what my past has told me is true (even if it was only in my head).  To realize that even though my experience in Honduras was not what I was expecting and didn't affect me in the ways that I thought it would... it has catapulted me to take an inward examination to help me live my life more fully and completely.

My sins/mistakes do not make me unloveable or unworthy.

These words keep coming back to me over and over again in prayer these last few days. It's such an obvious statement, right? But it's something that I have only just begun to see as Truth for myself. As I work to peel back the years/layers of fear and self doubt, these are the words that keep coming back. This is what God is trying to get across to me. He is ever so patient, that Lord of ours.

Please pray for me. Please pray that as I move forward, meet new people, and live my life that I can be reminded of the words above.

God is so good.

Know of my prayers for you. :)

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5 comments :

  1. Jen! I can so relate to this right now. Why the heck do we hold back and not be the FREAKING AWESOME women we were created to be? Ugh. I need to sit down and make a game plan for defeating the behavior that leads to this! Keeping you in my prayers :-)

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  2. Jen, your words spoke so deeply to me. I have that same fear of failure, fear of letting people down, etc. that I have begun to see myself in an unhealthy way and it's hard to give myself credit where credit is due. I like what you said: My sins/mistakes do not make me unloveable or unworthy. I am a perfectionist so oftentimes I get bogged down by the fear and imperfection instead of being thankful for all the things I have been successful in or things I am thankful for about myself. Praying for you. I just started a novena to St. Anthony and I will keep you in my prayers during the rest of the novena. xoxo

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  3. Thanks for being vulnerable Jen. Praying for you!

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  4. So good, Jen! Thank you for sharing this. I like that you have a tangible object to let go of... it's nice to be able to point at and see something and say, "I let go of that habit right then!" Way to go, friend!

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  5. This is so great!!!! I argue with myself all the time about fear and letting it control me. Praying for you

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