How do you know if you are "in love"?

Hmm... ok.  This might be weird. And, maybe I'm the only one. But, I am just gonna put it out there in the HOPE that at least one other person knows what I mean.

Ahem.

If you have never been "in love"... how would you know that you are?  How will you recognize it?

I'm serous. I am really asking this. This is not some weird announcement about me finding my guy! I am welcoming you into the crazy that is my head.

I imagine it's something like this... ???
The talent on So You Think You Can Dance this Summer is incredible.

I am not there yet.  Not even close.  But, I do think about it (and am hopeful!).  I worry that I won't realize when it's happening.  Will I feel the butterflies?  Will I just know?  Will it be obvious?  Everyone who talks about their husband/wife is always so confident and sure of what that love is. But, what if I don't know?

What if I don't get there?

Is it possible that my fear and doubt and over-analytical side will prevent me from falling in love?

And... will I know the difference between falling in "like" versus falling in "love"???

Can anyone help a sister out?! I am just working on being prepared. And, maybe that's weird, too.

If you DO think this is so weird, please don't tell me.  If not, or maybe have some of the same thoughts as me.. please let me know. Or, if you are in love and would like to shed light on how you know/knew... please do. :)

Mmmmkay. Bed time for this girl.
Night!
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13 comments :

  1. My father says you know you're in love with someone when you realise you want to have children with him/her. And my guess is that that would be part of it (I've never been in love, so that's why I'm guessing.)

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    1. hahaha... well, yes. I would surmise that that would be a huge part! :) And really... your guess is as good as mine. ;)

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  2. Bwahaha, okay I love how honest you are being. And if "being in love" happens like that video, oh my gosh. That would be quiiiite interesting!

    First off, no worries can stop God's perfect plan from enfolding in your life. It may not be what we think it will be, but he will reveal his plan no matter what silly obstacles we create.

    I have zero experience here, but hearing people's stories they usually get to know each other on a friendly basis and then maybe both have thoughts of moving to the next level and then as they get to know each other the whole falling in love thing happens. Or maybe there was some specific moment they can point to when they "knew". Of course, there are so many different stories! But many people get to know each other gradually....and most people say they "just knew". What prompted that? At what point did they "know"? I'd be interested to hear!

    I mean, some people you just connect with right away, and automatically feel drawn to fostering a relationship with them - even with friends in my experience. Other times, we're friends because of maybe our living situation or something where we feel obligated, but once that is gone, the relationship ends. It's clear to me in college how different kinds of friendships feel, which has been interesting to experience.

    When talking just seems so natural, and you are completely comfortable in someone's presence - that goes a long way too. Very interested to hear other people's takes here!

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    1. Haha... I love dance. So, that piece right there embodied what I feel like the happy, overwhelming emotions would be like when realizing you were in love. :)

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  3. I LOVE this question (and my answer is going to be long)! As I've been single for years (and years and years and ...), I kept wondering how I would know when I fell in love. Some people fall in love seemingly every week, others hardly ever do. I belong in the last group. :-) One thing I've always heard is "you'll just know when you're in love / he's the one / you love him ..." I hated that answer! It's so vague and it felt like they were keeping me out of their little group, as if they had a secret I wasn't allowed to know.

    Now that I've been with Mr. Fantastic for almost eight months, it's interesting to look back at the beginning of our relationship and see they were right ...

    We met online and we had an instant 'click', we just loved talking to each other. After a month of many long mails, we met in real life for the first time and had the most wonderful time. At the end of our date, I texted a friend "He's such an amazing man, I don't care if we become a couple or just friends, but I absolutely want him in my life." At the end of the second date, he kissed me, which I didn't expect at all, because there were no such feelings from my side. By that time, however, I had realized that the thought of marrying him was very attractive (this did NOT fall under 'being in love' for me!). So, when he called that evening, I told him I liked him very much and was most certainly attracted to him, but the feelings weren't there. If there were no feelings, there was no way I was going to begin a relationship with him. However, I did want to give it more time. So we met again and again. Before our fifth date, both of us had the feeling 'if there's still nothing there, I don't think we should keep this going', but we didn't tell each other. It was a cold, rainy day at a zoo. And I remember thinking that it was never going to work between us. We were cold and hungry, trying to find food and shelter, the conversation just didn't flow (at all!) and the fact that I had given myself an ultimatum had a bad effect. At the end of the day,we boarded the train and started talking. It was warm and dry in the train and while I was looking at him, hearing him talk about the Eucharist (of all things), I fell in love. I couldn't keep my eyes of him and wanted to know every line of his face, every way he looked, everything he cared about, every thought. And I wanted him to know me, every aspect of me, good and bad. I wanted to kiss him and at that exact moment, I knew I loved him. It might seem too early or too late to others, but it was perfect for me. As I had to get off the train ten minutes later, I decided to keep the goodbye short and give myself some time to process.

    (continued in next post)

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  4. (continued from previous post)

    When I came home, I "just knew". I was crazy in love ànd I actually, honest to God, loved him. So the next day (gaudete sunday, which I think is a wonderfull coincidence), after I had given myself time to think and pray about it, we became a couple. And by the way, I didn't tell him I loved him until two months later, when he'd already told me. I'm a bit weird that way.

    So, how will you know? I'm sorry I can't say anything more than "you'll just know". I've fancied a few guys, I wanted them to like me or maybe even love me, but I was never in love. If you're wondering if you are in love, you aren't. Several times, I've wondered "Am I in love?" and always, I realized afterwards that I wasn't. I've wondered if I was in love with Mr. Fantastic before our fifth date, but never EVER after that day. I just knew. I just know.

    Another aspect may be that you want him to know you through and through and you want to know him completely, good and bad. You hurt for his hurts and his happiness makes you happy. You want to care for him and want him to care for you. And yes, you want his children, but most of all, you want your children to have him as a father (which is kinda the same, but not really). Oh, and when you both voluntarily make yourself vulnerable, that's a big indicator too.

    I hope this answered your question a bit, though I'm sorry I have to give you the same answer you've, without doubt, heard many times before.

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    1. Ciska! Thank you so much. I actually really, really appreciate your story and perspective. Thank you so much for sharing! It gives me hope that I will, in fact, just know. You are right, it is annoying sometimes... but it doesn't make it any less true.

      The "you hurt for his hurts and his happiness makes you happy" really resonated with me b/c I often describe my closest friendships in that way. It makes perfect sense.

      Thank you again! :)

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    2. Ciska, I love your story - so very real and honest. I'm in Jen's camp, how do you know? However, I think about it coupled (pun intended) with how I know God's Will for other things. I can't explain it all of the time, I just know this is where I'm supposed to be. I think he will work the same way with the guy.

      Some people say 'you'll know' and 'it'll be easy' - relationships are work, but the beginning if it's more work than easy, then it's probably something you're forcing rather than something that's coming naturally.

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    3. Jen, you're welcome.
      Waiting, I have to say I don't have the feeling I have to really 'work' on my relationship with Mr. Fantastic. However, it is hard. We're getting to know each other, learning, opening up, travelling a lot (we're in different countries) ... But the hardest part is to work through your past together, blending the present together and preparing for a shared future. I wouldn't call it 'work', but it can be hard at times.

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  5. First, it is not weird AT ALL to ask these questions, because I had the same experience as Ciska: not knowing if I was in love, taking my time to respond to Mr. Sweet's declaration. I believe that when you're discerning a relationship, it's always a good idea to go into it with eyes open and some understanding. So it's not weird AT ALL to want to be prepared. In fact, it's really wise to get a sense from women who've been there--especially older, married women--what love is and is not, otherwise there could be some very broken hearts. And no, being over-analytical will not prevent you from falling in love. I'm the most in-my-head person I can think of and it still happened!

    A lovely answer from The Fault in Our Stars: "I fell in love with him the way you fall asleep, slowly, and then all at once." A quick, funny answer, I know is taken from the show, Castle, "You know when all the songs start to make sense." In one sense, this is true. Because this person is on your mind and you think about him and have good feelings, suddenly a song that was only okay or "that's singer's too emotional" becomes "YES. THAT IS IT. I am belting this out to you, dear boyfriend! It is so loud in this car you can probably hear me." But here is where I get a little more serious: love is "more than a feeling." It's actions. Go read the lyrics to "Do I love him?" from Fiddler on the Roof.

    I've experienced falling in love as a movement from strong feelings to a strong feeling of contentment in the actions I take or don't take regarding myself and for my beloved. And most importantly, being in love doesn't mean simply having a feeling, it means being somewhere--a state. (It's all in the grammar! :p) And there's two of you in it. You're loving on him, and he's loving on you. It's not just me in my room hitting John Legend on repeat (crushing), it's us together in the car, singing it to each other (loving). It's small things, like sacrificing a little sleep to make sure we see each other and to beautify ourselves and our homes because we want to please the other. It's me putting certain desires and comforts aside because I know to do so makes him happy and him not going for certain personal glories because he knows to have gone for that promotion would have made me unhappy. It's doing the I-thought-that-was-impossible for the other. In my case, I was seriously anxious about having sons, like not wanting them at all, but then in being in the state of love with Mr. Sweet, his very self and manner made me realize I would be quite okay with them, because they would have him as a father, and I am all for more men like him in the world.

    I'd also like to point out that like many aspects of a relationship, experiences and "definitions" can be unique to a couple. Timelines are for sure unique to a couple. I've personally found that love also deepens. What went behind the first "I love yous" is good, what goes behind the "I love yous" months later (as far as we've gotten) is a lot more profound. It's not that it means something different, it's that it means something more.

    I believe you will know, even if it comes after a period of wondering. And I believe if you don't know because you never will be in love with a person, you will get to a point where you know that. To sum up, love is not just a feeling, it's not one-sided. It's actions, it's a state of being. Just like you'll know if you're suddenly in Chicago with no one to ask but yourself (and maybe after some context clues/deduction), you'll know when you're IN love.

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    1. Thank you, Britt! I appreciate you taking the time to comment and not thinking I'm totally crazy. :) And, I love Castle! ha. I don't watch it all of the time, but when I have I really enjoy it.

      I think it's great that you brought up timelines. I guess it's hard sometimes b/c I feel like there is this pressure or something about things happening at this time, and then I will feel this way and then this is going to happen. I know that it's silly. But, hey! :) I just have to remind myself of that truth, too. Not every relationship is the same! Shocking, I know! :)

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  6. I have always wondered that myself. I sometimes think it's just a quiet knowing, you'll just look at the person and just know. Other times I think it will be this overwhelming think that leaves you a little antsy and a need to constantly see or talk to the person.

    Never been in love obviously and read just a few too many novels. I like Britt's and Ciska's experience recap, I wonder what it will be like for me.

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  7. If you're weird then so am I...for years I've always told people "when it happens I'll just know" which is the same vague answer everyone else has said. I tend to be like you and super over-analytical like if I talk to a guy I over analyze every little thing I said and wonder oh should I have not said that? Should I have said this instead?!!? Will saying this scare him away?!?

    One thing I've realized over the last few months is that I'm a planner and falling in love is the one aspect of my life that I just can't plan and you have to take a chance on....

    I'm glad I'm not alone in wondering this though :)

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Hey! You just read that. Don't you wanna leave me some love?!

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