I've been feeling a little... lost these days. That's the best way I can describe it. I've been go go go the last few weeks, but not doing much in my own home and keeping up with things in my own life. Does that ever happen to you? You are living your life, yet you're not really sure what's happening?
I also had a rough counseling sesh. Remember when I said it was awesome? It is... except for when it's not. When it stirs up so much doubt and worry and frustration with myself (and the whole process). The likes of which are only from Satan himself. So, peace out buddy. Leave me alone.
I just felt like running away.
I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I wanted to put my wall up and leave everyone out.
Instead... I went to adoration. He and I... we needed to chat about some things. I wasn't in there as long as I hoped (due to a prayer meeting in the chapel- but we have a beautiful prayer garden that I took advantage of!)... yet, it's what I needed.
I brought your intentions with me. It's always such an honor that you entrust me to pray for you. I love starting out praying for others, then getting to the serious stuff with the Big Man himself.
I just poured my heart out to him. Job worries. Discernment. Vocation. Friends. Worries. Doubts. What I should do about this. And about that. How am I going to make this work. Or that.
I was listening to my "Praise and Worship" playlist... and the first three songs happen to be:
Lord, I need You - Matt Maher
Give Me Jesus - Jeremy Camp
Restless - Audrey Assad
There is a part of "Give Me Jesus" where he says "you can have all of this world, just give me Jesus" and then it hit me. I had one of those YESSS! THIS! moments.
I had this image where I was taking things that were so heavy, so burdensome off of my shoulders and giving them to God. Here is everything, Lord. Here is my world. I want You.
And then I started thinking about how I could best word all of this for a blog post.
FOR A BLOG POST. During my prayer time. In adoration. Chillin' with Jesus.
I am embarrassed (and hopefully not alone?!?!) but not surprised. Because here I am... blogging about it. <insert appropriate emoji here>
I realized in that moment that I am so caught up in the next thing. I am so worried about knowing and being confident in what my vocation is. I am so preoccupied about possible job changes. I am so caught up in doing God's will that I lost sight of God himself.
Yet, he was telling me He was there. He was telling me to focus on Him... not everything else:
I am here.
I am here.
You are frustrated. You are scared. You are sad.
You are worried. You are doubting.
But, I am right here.
I'm giving myself to you.
I am your strength. I am your joy.
I am your freedom. I am your now. I am your future.
I love you.
Give me everything. Because I am your everything.
It's so easy to get caught up in trying to figure everything out, ya know? It's in our human nature to want to know, so we can plan, so we can be ready. As a single lady this affects knowing and being confident in my vocation. But, it can affect all aspects of life, too. Jobs. Family planning. Moving. Finances. Everything.
It's when we get so caught up in being ready for the next thing, we run the risk of losing sight of our main goal- communion with Jesus, aka Heaven. And that is a dangerous place to be, when "everything" becomes more important than God. Our trust can waver. Our priorities change. We change. God becomes something on the bottom of our list.
I will need to choose this every day, ya know?! I want to give God everything, every.single.day. because He really is... everything.
|Jesus, I trust in you.|
|It's Freebie week!! Linkup over at Morgan's!|
|AND Linking up with the Blessed is She blog... on the Eucharist here!|